l I keep in fallin' in and out... of love... with you l

| Friday, Aug. 16, 2002 || 9:56 p.m. |

Milwaukee left a message today. He was wondering when I was coming home, I guess there is an open house at our place this sunday and he wanted to know if he should be there to watch Torin. I returned his call and inquired if that was the reason he called last night. Which I knew it wasn't but I just had to ask. He said No kinda sheepishly and I asked why he called and he said kinda unsure of himself, that he just called to talk; to tell me how different/weird it was without me and how he missed me. As I guessed he was passed out by the time I returned his call. Is that what it takes for him to want me back? Is that why ComicTheatre and Chirogal is staying the night at our place with him during Irishfest? So he doesn't get drunk again and try to get me back?? I really wish that I would have been able to talk to him last night. Am I pathetic? I have done nothing but miss him with every breathe I take. I see everyone around me in love and getting married... not that I would now rush into marriage, but you know what I mean. Both of my cousins are getting married next year in the summer. My Aunt freakshow just about died when I told her I was engaged as well... (it is much easier than explaining the ugly truth at this point, plus this is family I only see every 10 years or so), She thought it would be just a great idea for all three of us girls to get married at the same time all in Washington. Sure that would be best for the family and travel wish, but all three of us would be fighting over whose day it was...

I am having such a difficult time deciding what to do with the baby. This has got to be the most difficult decision a woman could ever make. Why can't my life be picture perfect for once? Why can't I have my prince on his white horse? Don't I deserve it? Haven't I paid enough dues?

This wedding tomorrow is just going to kill what is left of my spirit and I hate to say that because it is such a joyous day for my dad. I am so happy for him, but it just tears me apart even more to be so far away from Milwaukee in distance and at heart; knowing there is not a damn thing I can do about any of it... He has made damn sure that everyone of his friends wants me shot on sight, no questions asked. Doesn't he realize that there are two sides to every coin?