l Torturing myself again... please pass the nipple clamps and rib cracker, we are preparing for a heart being ripped out, stomped on and dissolved in phosporic acid l

| Friday, Sept. 20, 2002 || 9:29 p.m. |

I'm so fucking stupid... I'm stupid and pathetic for thinking that he would want me back. He called tonight and just spoke of the concert and what has been going on in his life since wednesday. Asked what has happened in my life and how work was going. Meaningless, petty pal bull shit! Then he said Good night. GOOD NIGHT?!! what the fuck happened to wanting to talk to me? How much he loves me, misses me and wants me?

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FOR NOT CALLING ME BACK WHEN I OBVIOUSLY WAS UPSET AND CRYING! FUCK YOU FOR NOT CALLING ME BACK WHEN I HUNG UP ON YOU DURING THE SILENCE AFTER YOU SAID YOU HAD TO JUST WALK AWAY AND SAY GOOD BYE! FUCK YOU FOR THESE TEARS THAT RUN DOWN MY FACE! FUCK YOU FOR THE BREATHLESS SOBS THAT I CAN NOT FIGHT BACK ANY LONGER! FUCK YOU FOR BEING SO BEAUTIFUL AND SMART AND FUCK YOU FOR JUST THE SIMPLE FACT THAT I LOVE YOU AND CAN DO NOTHING EVERYDAY WITHOUT THINKING OF YOU AND WISHING I WERE RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE!

FUCK YOU FOR ME NOT BEING ABLE TO HATE YOU! JUST FUCK YOU FOR HURTING ME AND BEING ABLE TO JUST WALK AWAY AND SAY GOOD BYE!

Why is it I always get a headache when I cry over you? Why can I not spend one second not thinking about you? Why? Why? Why is it every decision I make has you in mind? I am planning on turning in a tape for the l.a. idol contest on star and all I think about is using the $10,000 prize to pay off our debts and move you out here or me out there with you... You, you... everything is you. I am meant to be with you, we are meant to be together! Why can not you not fucking see this? Why do you have to so weak and give up? How can you just give up on the best thing that has ever happened to either of us? You have said so yourself... "I have never felt this way towards anyone, I have never loved someone as much as I love you, I will never stop loving you!" Then how can you just say good bye and walk away?!?!?!