l After the move l

| Sunday, Feb. 10, 2002 || 3:40 p.m. |

Ookay so I finally got off my lazy ass and moved into my apartment... Thank Gawd!!!!!!

I do have to admit that it was kinda strange going to bed in a new environment and then waking up to it at the crack of dawn... to only be disappointed in the shower that lays at my feet.

I have a list of things that I can not afford, yet desperately need for my new place... well some are not so desperately needed but desired. I am tired of running myself into the ground with every lil thing that I do... I just wish that I did not have this impending feeling of being pulled in so many different directions at one time day in and day out... I need a vacation - again!! It is so disturbing to think that the only time I can get some relaxation, peace and clarity by leaving the sunny state of C.A.

My job sucks royal ass, my paychecks are following suit, bills are once again mounting, school is still enjoyable yet contributing to the impending feeling of treachery, and the "newbie" is still the same as I have mentioned before... I am, howver trying a lil harder to make things work smoothly.. I just find it quite interesting how I can feel the way I do and clearly my actions are mimicing these thoughts, yet he has absolutely no clue, in complete la-la land as far the relationship is concerned... "Ms.one-is-never-enough" has shared her insight into the situation, which is... "everything between us is going great!"... Very humourous I think... I really think that if I just face the inevitable and have the "talk" with him, it might make things a lot more tolerable... I need my space, I can not feel smothered, I can not feel pressured to move at a faster pace than comfortable... Are these unreasonable requests?? I don't think so...

Ooh I completely neglected to mention that I had dinner with the "newbie's" friends the other night... Of course as the pattern so follows they were all married couples, one couple with a child... I have to be honest and say that I had a lot of fun... It was very odd to be surrounded by kids younger than me that were not only married but had a kid... I felt a sense of maturity, the way my mom must feel when she hangs out with her friends for dinner parties... I just never imaged that I would be attending "married" dinner parties at the age of 22. I feel like I am growing up a lil too fast... Where did my childhood go? Is this what my grandma was talking about when she used to tell me to just enjoy being young and not wish that I was older? It all just flew by and I let it slip through my fingers like sand through an hour-glass.

Alright, enough meandering... It is bad enough that I started crying while going through my old poetry... It just occured to me exactily how depressed I was in my adolescence...

***You know, taking us out for ice cream in the middle of a blizzard makes you wonder who the real wack jobs are.***