l Will I ever be able to say Good bye? Will I ever want to? l

| Saturday, Oct. 12, 2002 || 9:36 p.m. |

I have been procrastinating this entry way too long. I have been busying myself with work, music and drinking. I went and saw Red Dragon when I missed the White Oleander screening then went directly to cheers and proceeded to drink.

Met a cute boy only to be disappointed when he opened his mouth. He sounded like he was still going through puberty and kept saying really stupid shit like "i have lots of beautiful girls, all my girls are bi" I mean seriously, did he think he was going to score with me by talking about all his "beautiful bi girls"? Pathetic and immature. He was all too excited that I was "his age", well actually yeah I maybe be only 11 months older but honey I am not the one still stuck in puberty's grasp. we are NOT on the same level.

So that was ooh tuesday night? I think, wednesday was the movie, thursday night was another dance class at season's studio, where afterwards we drank, smoked and sang until I was nearly mute. She began telling me about the HUGE crush a friend of mine used to have on me... one I wish I would have been informed of! I would really liked to have pursued that one... it would and could still be fun...

Season also asked me to be her roommate, that she has never really wanted a roommate before, but would really love for me to move in. I am considering it...

Friday night was another dance class and then a very interesting evening... Season and I have never really been that great of friends, nor have we ever really hung out alone together... Well now we have and geez did we go all out!

It started off innocently enough with beer, then shots of tequila, smoking out, then more shots of tequila and more beer, then marines and denny's came into play. Well neither one of us hooked up with any of the marines, we actually ditched them at denny's, just kinda went to the bathroom and never came back. But we bonded last night. I dropped her off around 4 this morning.

She made a very interesting proposal and relevation last night as well, before all the marines came into the picture. She let me know that I have been her gf in many situations... She has told her sponsor about me and he thinks I am her gf, plus if we (either one of us or both) wanted to become artifically insemenated and have his child then we would have his inheritance or at least a couple million... very tempting... He is 62 or something and is worth well over 50 million dollars, I wouldn't have to have sex with him - ever.

Would you do it? I am kinda having mixed feelings about this. He wouldn't even be around very long... he has a house in brazil and I don't know where else.

I don't know if I could have a child with someone I did not love. or if I did and suppose milwaukee and I got back together... How would he feel about that? Would he lose respect for me? Would I lose respect for myself? If you have anything to say about this, please let me know what you think...

That pretty much sums up my past few days... Most of Milwaukee's messages have been automatically deleted from my voicemail, I was going to try to find a way to record them but I missed my opportunity. Will I ever hear him say those words to me ever again? Will I even hear his voice ever again?

I don't know, all I know is I still have to fight the urge to call him every minute of every day.

I still wear his shirt every night when I go to bed, infact I am wearing it right now.