l Peace through music l

| Tuesday, Nov. 19, 2002 || 6:41 p.m. |

Ooh not too much going on right now (big fat lie)

I was at work actually working (go figure, I had something to do) and my msn messenger popped up. I figured it was going to be my Webmaster (usually is), but no... the magic email name appeared and my heart stopped cold. My breathe drew short and rapid, heart beating faster as if it had wings of a hummingbird... Milwaukee was online.

My hands sweat more and more as I think about just seeing him online, knowing that there is a connect if even by messenger linking me closer to him.

My Webmaster urges me to say hello. As I draw in my hurried breathe, holding it for a seeming eternity... I click his sn and say "hello there stranger' as if attempting some sort of friend-only greeting... silence that stilled my heart, nothing... I relay this to WM, and she feeds me positivity, he'll respond but I know in my heart of hearts that it is a pathetic attempt that will come to only an outcome of heartache and torment for me...

I try one last time with "will you even talk to me?" Apparently not, he logged off shortly after my last im.

Then I wonder... is he reading this? Does he know how much my heart aches without him? Does he even still care?

My mind is a tumultuous vault of despair just knowing he is out there... that I can not reach.

So I will drown out my sorrows by singing my soul to the masses. I just fear that I will be unable to halt the flood of emotion perched behind my sad eyes. I can do only so much to veil my pain and heartache. My singing will do nothing to help me in this case. I can not hide behind music, I feel through it. Maybe this wound will heal through this release. I can only hope...

On a nother note, I spoke with Dreplica and my suspicions of making a mockery friday night were wrong. I was just out of the loop this weekend. Even though I was asked about at every gathering no one thought to call, ooh well I never bothered as well. No biggie, I have more than enough on my mind right now... However we did make plans for this friday night and she might stop by Quan's tonight and say hello. I do hope she does... I can use a good hug right about now...