l I swear you're just like a pill, instead of making me better, you keep makin' me ill l

| Tuesday, Aug. 13, 2002 || 3:12 p.m. |

I am freaking out here... Maybe I am being overly paranoid or something, but last night when talking to Milwaukee we were getting off of the phone he said Good bye and Good night and I said I love you. He paused and then said... That is nice to know/hear... No I love you too or I know me too... Just that is nice! Does this mean he does not love me anymore? What does this mean? I thought he'd be the one calling me while I am gone all the time and I would be like - phone off. But NO! I am the one constantly thinking of him and he can't bother to call me at anytime other than midnight or when he is about to go to bed... He never has his phone on him when I call or at all for that matter, he is at Comedyfreak's house, phone is in the car, he is at work - phone is in the car...

He used to call me none stop!

What the fuck is going on?

I can't stop crying everytime I am on the phone with him and he just says Goodbye then hangs up... I can't handle that. His voice does not even sound the same anymore... It sounds cold and uncaring; like I am talking to a total stranger.

Here is the latest I Ching message...

Hi again,

I hope your silence is not a sign of too much distress. Send us a sign!

I said above that KArcher suggests that arguing is the right approach. So more on what kind of arguing. Arguing that reveals the many opposites, contradictions, etc, in the situation, but finds its resolution not in the triumph of one "side" over the other, but in the realization of what it is that underlies the apparent opposites, what holds them together.

The changing fourth line suggests that you need to come to an answer that you can feel at peace in yourself with. It's not enough to settle for the answer that you know you can get. The way Wilhelm says this is:

"This refers to a person whose inner attitude at first lacks peace. He doesn't feel content with his situation and would like to improve it through conflict. In contrast to the situation of the nine in the second place, he's dealing with a weaker opponent and might therefore succeed. But he can't carry on the fight, because, since right isn't on his side, he can't justify the conflict to his conscience. Therefore he turns back and accepts his fate. He changes his mind and finds lasting peace in being at one with eternal law. This brings good fortune."

The way LiSe says it is:

"9 at 4: Failing to contend. Returns and approaches destiny. Renounces and settles. Determination: auspicious.

Solve contention by dissolving: return to your fate and let loose - then you can find what you sought: agreement. Essentially contention is searching for the end of contention. Find it by not contending, which is a shortcut."

What I think she means by this is that you don't "contend" within yourself - you don't impose a decision on yourself by weighing opposites until one feels heavier. Coming to a state of genuinely accepting that *either* choice really *is* possible helps you to get past what others feel is right to what you feel is right.

You know that you were whole (and contained opposites) before this circumstance. And you know that you will be whole after it too. Now, knowing that you will always be whole, and that whichever way you choose, you will go on (flawed, wounded and glorious still!), which choice feels truer?

I think also that, since you asked this question in the form of asking for an image of NOT having the baby, the answer has very much of an emphasis on how the process of your deciding will influence the future shape of your relationship with him (and with yourself).

LiSe calls #6 The Gong Speaks, and she emphasises how productive conflict calls forth a concept of "right" that is not "either-or", but "what is best for both?" She says:

"It is not wrong that one should fight for one�s right. Sometimes it is necessary for making life possible. But the meaning of �right� is, that it makes life better, it should never make life less � or the spiritual values of life. Every controversy can be solved by moving up a step. The best step is inside, in one�s own mind. Changing the common everyday personality into a better, wiser person. In doing so, the controversy will become smaller and smaller, moving away into a far-off distance. If one is not able to do so, then find someone who is already higher, and whose words can bring a solution. And always remember there is no such thing as being in the right. It is based on human truth and human truth is temporary. In the course of time, right and wrong change places over and over again. Then there is the order of ranking, the pecking order. Some people have natural authority, they do not fight for it. They are the Gongs. The ones who fight for a rank usually are bad leaders."

For #59, she calls it The Flood. I imagine this conflict surely is an unexpected cataclysm for your new relationship, an unexpected flood. When Ben starts to wonder if it's his child, I see the natural tendency in any crisis to search for reasons, causes, blame, even evil. LiSe deals with this sweetly, as she takes her commentary from that starting point on through what else there is about floods that is even more important to know than who was "to blame."

"God makes deluges to punish the evil. Of course a flood does not make discrimination between the good and the bad, they drown together. But man always felt God�s revenging hand. A flood destroys all the old structures, paving the way for a new, fresh and as yet clean life, open for new possibilities. For a life with an open gateway to the cosmos, man�s mind needs deluges. Dissolving all the rigid structures, like opinions, prejudices, ties, obligations. They all give a feeling of security, but they restrict, narrow down, reduce, and take away the essential deep security of universal openness. Having to save one�s life puts many other things back in the place where they belong, often even completely out of sight."

Hope this helps.

Willow

****************************************What is your take on all this? Let me know... I am desperate as anyone can tell...