l First day of school and more l

| Monday, Jan. 7th, 2002 || 9:06 a.m. |

This morning marks the beginning of a new semester. College, going back to the books. Am I as ready as I think I am to take on the troubles of studies, textbooks, reports, terms being either mid or final? I guess we will see...

I am having a dilemma in my love life or lack there of life... There is a guy I will call "bunches" for the sake of confidentiality (as if anyone I know reads this but one can pretend). We both ended our relationships within a day of each other, have always flirted, danced harmlessly together, and made jokes in referance to "if we were ever single at the same time" etc... Well, when the moment came everyone jumped at us and told us that we should hook-up. We mentioned this declaration to each other and the proposition just hung it the air over our heads. It turned into an awkward cloud creating a lil discomfort. More like an "Ooh shit, we have flirted with this idea many times, but now it is for real... what do we do now??" I honestly have always had a crush on him, but I respected the fact that he had a serious gf and was content to the harmless flirting of a good friend. Well, I didn't make an attempt at "hooking up" for the simple fact that he was heartbroken over his initiated break-up and so was I(did not want it to be just a "rebound" thing/fling whatever).

Well, I let things rest while I was on x-mas break and came home looking forward the prospects of a new beginning. Shortly after my homeing coming I was informed of a reconciliation. I was CRUSHED I tell you, I am happy that they could work things out, but secretly my spirit was devastated. We hang out a lot more now since I have come home, he flirts still, tickles me a lot, we stay up all night watching movies until 6 am, invites me to cuddle with him on the couch and I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!! I have seen him with her and they are soo smoochie and close I am terribly jealous and can barely bring myself to even look at her or him. I have done nothing wrong yet I feel guilty for wanting to make a move on him. I won't, I know I won't. I am not the kind of girl that does that. A mutual friend of ours has told me that if he knew how much I liked him he would dump his gf for me in a flash. I don't think this is true and don't want to be held responsible for that. I am just going nuts...

In other news... I am doing nothing with my life but drinking and getting fat and depressed. What a wonderful new year this is turning out to be.

**SMILE!!**