When it comes to self-actualization I am perpetually absent; counseling others without a doubt is my forte.

This past year has been a tough one when it comes to dealing with my own emotions. Reflection is the easy part, yet is that not always the case? There have been many people in my life this last year that have left many impressions upon my being. I do not feel as if I have made that many mistakes in my deals with these individuals, at least none that I feel were mistakes now that I have moved on (then might have been a different story).

My out look on life has always been one of a positive nature, at times I have been known to slump into what seems to be a deep depression for absolutely no apparent reason, or one that is obvious to close friends/family. I have reached a pinnace in my life to where I fluctuate on a daily basis whether I want some thing or not� I am young, yet with my ideals of how I want my life to flow I sometimes feel I am slipping behind. E.g.: When I want to get married, start a family etc�

If I am going to live my life, as I would hope to I need to get on the ball and find Mr./Ms. Right as oppose to Mr./Ms. Right now. However, the men I find myself attracted to are not necessarily the ones that are ready or in a place to where I would consider them in the right, how do I say, umm financial, responsible chapter of their lives� Not like I am saying that they have to own their own place, be financially successful, but have that potential. The potential for moving up in the world. The desire to go places, have goals, be actively moving toward those goals. I am not going to put my self in a position to go no where. I want growth; I want to be Ms. Cleaver when I have kids. No babysitters, I would ideally love to be where my sister in law is at; she is the most wonderful mother, no work, dedicating her life to her family and my beautiful niece. I want to raise my children, be the PTA mother, soccer mom, etc� I want full involvement! Is that too much to ask in this day and age? Or should I say in California?

I have my life predetermined as to where I want to raise children, retire, and where I would like to own property, houses, condos etc. I just hope that I can find someone who shares this outlook. I love my family, I have been blessed with a wonderful one as it is and I would like to continue that tradition from here on out. Ideally I would like to have my family no more than a stone throw away, but employment and economy does not permit that now (referring to my grand parents and brothers etc).

My desired life would go as following: Meet the person I would like to have a life/family with, date for a few years getting to know each other as partners, get married after a few (2-3 years), ENJOY the marriage, get to know each other as a married couple.

**There is a lot of re-learning to do when it comes to getting to know the individual on another plane � husband & wife. I do not want to make the common mistake or decision of having kids too soon after getting married, I want to enjoy my husband or wife before having to get to know them as a father or mother and having to also get to know myself and my newborn. So many couples rush into being parents never getting to know their spouse and what happens after the child (ren) move out and you are left with this person you have known so long only as a father/mother?

D-I-V-O-R-C-E! I have found that married couples have no idea what to do with themselves because they no longer know each other (or never got to know each other), as husband and wife. I do not want to go through a divorce; I want the relationship my grandparents have, although they are a BIG exception to what I just mentioned (They were married at ages 16 & 18 and with my mom already on the way).**

I would like to start having children around age 34. This is just a time frame to start from. Ideally I would like to own my own house before planning this joint venture, so I need to start my career very soon. This brings me to another concern � I have no idea what I would like to do for the rest of my life! I would love to be a professional singer, have my own contract or recording label and do the whole touring thing before settling down, but let me be completely honest with myself� I am a long way from following that dream. I have not even begun to explore those options vehemently. I am just too damn lazy and procrastinate way too much to even think about! Not too mention I would have a very difficult time struggling with my current financial situation to pull off all the work that would be required, as if I can even deal with it right now regardless!

I am all about taking care of each other, rather than being some one�s mother. I will not act as a mother for anyone other than my own kids when that time comes. 50/50 is what it takes. No more, no less! I am sick and tired of being walked on, does my forehead say �WELCOME� I think not!

I refuse to be used and abused, I have been subjected to enough on my own not to mention watching it as I grew up. Every tragedy that as incurred within my life has indeed made me what I am today. I am proud to be strong, independent and free-willed. I am proud of all my family has accomplished despite the heartache we have all seen. We have survived with our sanity and sense of humor intact. That is all I could ever have asked and hoped for!