l On route back to the introspection 101 l

| Monday, Oct. 14, 2002 || 11:09 a.m. |

I desperately would like to get back to the introspectiveness that this diary once possessed. My plight to establish a non-journalesque play by play of my life I have failed. I began this to appease myself and gain some introspection... though lately I have resorted to a run down of events as some of the other diary's I have cast aside from my faves. For those reasons I have become bored with reading many diaries. I do not wish for mine to fall into that literacy ravine.

Before coming back to california, I promised myself that I would reinvent myself, cocoon myself to emerge as a better, more beautiful person. I see little of these events occuring, I have been back now for over a month. Well, I suppose that is not entirely true, for I have made an attempt to invest more time/money into a singing career. I have made a new friendship that looks prospectful in many more ways then physically.

I see so many changes in my attitude as well. I am no longer tolerant of little things that I once ignored or brushed aside. I am trying to become less superficial, not that I have been very superficial in the past, but less flaky I guess would be the best way to describe it. One thing that I have noticed with all california natives (and many non-natives, but that have been here long enough) is they are very non-commital. Not just in the relationship sense but in every sense. If they say they will be somewhere just add an hour maybe an hour and a half to that time for an accurate e.t.a. Be that if they show at all. Some are even courtious enough to call and leave a nice message letting you know that they will not be around, but usually it is after you've waited and after they've been deemed a no-show.

For instance, my friend Season, for months I have been promising to attend her dance classes, now I am and having a blast! Not to mention I have already began to notice my weight dropping or my hips/ass toning... The most beneficial part about it is the friendship I am establishing. We are becoming really close and I have not had a close relationship (that was healthy) with a woman in a while.

This is what I am trying to change. Once I used to make promises that I knew I wouldn't keep, now when I say I am going to do something I do it! I have also been early to do these things! Surprizing I know. I am famous for being at least 15-20 minutes late. Remind you I have been technically a californian for nearly 8 years...

I sent an audition tape for the "be a star" contest, which I have in the past never done... I have always been to afraid to be rejected, but I did it and I have been rejected. You know what? At least I know that I tried and I can not regret never trying.

Last year I auditioned for the Real World Las Vegas, something I had been wanting to do for years, but never had the courage. I was rejected, although my bf wasn't at first, but none-the-less it was something I needed to do. I would have this year but the casting calls were just too far away for me to travel... Next year will be the last year I can try for I am turning 23 in less than one-week!

My work life is getting better, but it is also suffering. We are a small company having just opened our doors three months ago and are already losing too many of our major players. Our business is not suffering financially just we are not longer going to have the manpower to support all the work coming in. Milwaukee would so be hired if he could afford to move out here. I wish he would, I wish I could afford to move him out here, it seems only fair for me to pay for it this time. Well, we still have not communicated for nearly a month and both of our b-days are drawing near. Will he call? If he calls then I should definitely reciprocate for his b-day... but what if he does not? I feel as if he will, he loves me after all so why would he forget my b-day? Even if we are not together...

I will not get my hopes up for fear of emotion suicide.

We both were looking forward to spending halloween together, it is our favorite holiday and now I have no idea what I want to dress as if at all and then parties... I will more than likely attend Season's bash at the studio. I was thinking of dressing as a Superhero, don't worry I won't wear the Superhero tee of Milwaukee's that I still can not stop wearing to bed... I was thinking of making my own superhero baby tee and wear it with my leather pants or something. and a mask... just a black leather mask or something plain... Or maybe SuperGirl... would that be original or just plain pathetic? That is if I do anything at all. This will be the 4 year anniversary of my accident, I don't want to be too trashed to drive home... I get very edgy driving on that night.

Not to sound like I was ever totally slutty, but since being with milwaukee I have tamed nearly 100% which is definitely a good thing. In the past I was pretty wild and up for next to anything or one. Now I am having fun but not so quick to jump into or onto anyone. Could that be because I am in love? Milwaukee is the one for me? I hope so.