l The Saga Continues... Duh - Da - Daaa! l

| Tuesday, Jul. 16, 2002 || 11:00 a.m. |

Here I sit at my new computer just wishing that it were hooked up to a working phone line. Instead of connecting directly with the rest of society I will have to maintain my library passport for yet another couple of months.

There are some pretty freaky people that cohabitate at the public libraries. I never really had a need to utilize one until this recent life change.

I have been going through a lot of really tough changes lately, hormonally and mentally. It is really difficult trying to cope with the new changes my body is going through and learning to live with another human being as a significant other again. This is not something that is easily done, especially since I am experiencing some very strange hormonal changes. My body no longer feels the same, I feel as if I am somebody completely foreign to me. I no longer know who I am anymore or what I am doing. If only I had a magic 8 ball. I know that those are a bunch of crap but it would be nice to have some paranormal reassurance that I am moving in the right direction.

I love him; I know that I want to be with him, but there things that I wish I could change. I wish we had had more time. I wish that things had gone a little slower. It is too late to turn back now nor would I if I had the chance. Things have gone in the direction that they have for a reason and I am just trying desperately to figure out those reasons.

I need space; I need to feel as if I am still an individual not just part of a couple but my own person. Do we lose that when we become a wife? Are we no longer capable of being just one person as an individual or are we doomed to forever be referred to as a ��Married Couple��? I don��t want that, it would be nice for most occasions, I would certainly never deny being married or part of a couple, yet would like to have my own thoughts, friends and things I like to do �C ALONE. Is that really too hard to understand? Must I always feel as if I am on parole whenever I do anything on my own? I never much liked having to call and check in with my parents what makes anyone think I would love it as a couple? I mean I understand checking in if I am running late when out and about. But come on? Where are you? In my car. Where��s your car? In front of the apartment. Where are you heading? Where do you think? To the appointment I have told you about for the past week!

I need to discuss this all over with him�� I know that. My mom has rubbed it into my brain. But it is so hard to talk to him; all he wants is to paw all over me. I generally love affection, but too much is too much. If I don��t let him paw all over me then something must be wrong or Damn it! I am being mean to him and treating him like shit. Is it all or nothing? I mean come on�� Geez, we have our whole lives to be with each other why must it be 24/7/365 right now? You want to give me the world and all I want cottage cheese.

Really though�� I think that everything will get better once I find a job and get out of this apartment. Once I start meeting people and making friends �C creating my own life and existence. May be once I can establish myself here in this god-awful state then I can better establish myself in our relationship. I just hope that he does not continue to rush me into marrying him before next year. I don��t like the guilt trips of ��I wish I could just marry you right now���� ��Sooner rather than later�� and my favorite since the new development �C ��My insurance would cover that if we were married��.

Hey Neighbor Girl does any of this remind you of my missionary man? Now it is the Milwaukee man.

The saga continues��