l When times starts to suddenly unwind l

| Thursday, Jan. 16, 2003 || 12:26 p.m. |

I have come to the conclusion that I am ~

totally addicted to the internet I love to write be heard learn more yet don't like to do anything that requires me to not do these things I need to be creative sing dance love write I need attention, I need companionship, most of all I need attention!

Good attention of course, positive attention!

I want to understand html and not have to ask questions for help. I want to be able to do this stuff all day long and not have to minimize it when people walk by!

I don't like having people mad at me. I would like to be able to explain where I am coming from and not have it held against me. I want to make my own schedule and be too busy having fun with my work to take a vacation.

I want to wash my hands clean of my past, leave it behind me regret free, move on with my life & never have to explain it again.

I want to buy a house in all of my favorite places, in every place I have family & friends. A private plane with pilot included.

I never want to have to worry about my family, their health & welfare. Divorce, Child custody, Child support, abuse, molestation & murder.

Maybe this is what Leo was referring to when he commented on my age and the next phase... It's funny how only a few weeks ago I mentioned my lack of these contemplations and now here they are... I have a lot on my mind lately and with the crap that happened this morning well it got me thinking about everything again. It's so queer how one little thing can create such huge waves of repercussions. I unsent a letter today. I never thought I'd add to it in such an angry manner. But then again I have thought I would've never done a lot of things in my life such as~

abortion drugs (E&co)anal sex vids (don't ask)multiple partners get engaged for two months live thousand miles from family date women cheat (not on milwaukee) have a cervical cancer scare

Okay I can't remember the rest but you get the gist right?

I thought so.

Though all of this though I will remember to *smile*