l If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman l

| Sunday, Dec. 15, 2002 || 11:51 p.m. |

I am bored yet by choice... I sit alone at home wallowing in my own self-induced depression. My best friend called me tonight and told me of her sister's marriage last night. My mom took me to her Aussie's apartment to switch his for her car. She told me of all of her loving things between them and I just teared up. No one but my best friend knows that I cried numerous times today. I cried from memories remembered of what Milwaukee used to do and just the simple things that I remembered from our brief time together. It has been a week since I redid my hair and a week since I have slept in my superhero tee. I had to do laundry today just so I could again fall asleep with something of his around my body.

I am spiraling faster into this sea of depression that I wish I could control yet I can not find the handle in which to pull myself free. I found myself talking to my best friend of all the wrong I had done to cause our untimely departure and the silence that has now shrouded me in this dark period. She told me just to simply call him yet I know that would do no good for he would not talk to me or even answer his phone. As I had thought many a times to do she suggested simply blocking the number but I know that even if he would answer it would be deceptive and cause him more pain and give more reason for him to not speak with me. I can't play games with him, I don't want to. I never thought I played those games to begin with but he showed me that I was wrong. He really did show me quite a bit about what I really do and who I really am. I know who I aspire to be and what I want in my life and I have him to thank for all of it. I really want him to know this, I wish he could know how much I still care for him and want him in my life. I just wish I knew what I could do to get him back... If only there were anything I could do...

I have to sleep now. I am warm in his tee and need to drift off to bed thinking that it is his arms around me.