l Thank you Milwaukee, Thank you clarity l

| Monday, Aug. 26, 2002 || 1:36 p.m. |

I think the break through has been made! A small one, but big enough for me! I think he finally realized that I have always been faithful to him and that this lost, discarded child was really ours. My battle has finally been won. My family kept telling me to give it up, he is going to believe what ever he wants to believe, but this was just a battle that I had to pursue. It was soo much more than who was right and who was wrong. It was my love, my honour. I am not capable of heartless acts of infidelity. If I love someone I can not be unfaithful. You can not even fathom how much better I feel about this situation.

I made the decision to go out on the town last night. I came across the local gay and lesbian magazine and thought? Hmmm... I love the gay club scene, it is not as intimidating as the bar I tried to hang out at last friday night. I can dance and be back in my element. So I did it! I did not have to courage to go in alone, but with a pep talk from the Original Gem I did it! It was kinda weird at first, cause I was the second girl to arrive and there were only 5 other people besides that. It had to be at least 30 degrees as well, damn it was cold. But not cold enough that a nice stoli-martini wouldn't warm me right up. How posh~l.a did I seem. I called Gem right back, sitting at the art-deco stainless steel bar, sterilized environment with a martini in front of me, smoking a cigarette talking on my cell. I met a sweet mexican gay boy after a few minutes and we totally hit it off!

** Random side note ~ A Jared Leto look alike just walked into the ghetto library and I am totally staring at him! He is a hottie! No please don't leave! NOOOOOOOOO!**

Any ways, I ended up following him to another gay club called La Cage... It was just as dead but the drinks were cheaper! We had a blast, exchanged phone numbers and made plans to go dancing this thursday when the scene would really be hopping.

Upon entering my car, rather tip~silly I noticed that I had a message from Milwaukee. I had called him earlier to try to get him to read a pregnancy book or just one page of it so he would understand the confusing world of child gestation vs. the actual weeks of pregnancy. It is a lot more confusing than I can explain and it still does not make much sense to even me. Shit I almost thought I had been raped when the 9 weeks they said I was did not match up with when I thought I knew conception occurred. Any ways... the child was not a irish car bomb baby but a traveling-uhaul-can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other-baby. At least according to the doctors...

I think we really made some progress last night. We were on the phone for over 3 hours. Some of it was arguing but more of explaining what we could not explain before. I think we understand each other a lot better now. I am not saying that I am hopeful of a reconciliation, that does not seem like an option at this point. But I think that we can put it behind us and become friends again. Our love will never die, but maybe, just maybe it can grow into something more beautiful. Like I have said many times before "Time wounds all Heals".

This was the first conversation that we ended with I love you's in more than two weeks. He apologized as well, Quite a few times too. I know I beat the topic like a dead horse, but I had to make him see how much I love him and how I could have never been untrue. I never lied about that. I have overlooked some truths or just not said somethings but there were good reasons for everytime, or it was just a simple misunderstanding. I am not perfect... I can not recall ever saying I was. I am stubborn and selfish at times, but I am me. I have found myself again. I just wish I could have seen me in the mirror just a lil sooner that's all.

I am moving home. I am going to finish what I started years ago. I am going back to school -during the day - full time. I am getting my cosmetology license finally and then I will go back to college to get a degree in something that will make me happy for the rest of my life. I am reaching for the stars and putting them in my hair. I will make myself independent! I will finally grow up! I need to make myself do things on my own. I need to be able to support myself without the assistance of my parents and or payday loans. I am ready. Thank you Milwaukee for giving me this opportunity to grow. Thank you for the perverbial slap in the face. I needed that, I needed you and now I need myself.