l I am the turkey on this thankgiving day... l

| Thursday, Nov. 22nd, 2001 || 1:40 p.m. |

"Angel" wrote:

Hey there, what's going on? I have sent you quite a few emails with questions that I was hoping for a response to. The email you sent me yesteday was, I thought, completely vague and impersonal. I have been picking up weird vibes from you recently and was wondering if everything is okay. I am not seeking reassurance, I just feel as if I am being intentionally avoided. If that is the case I would like to know why.

~Angel

"I build each one of my days out of hope and I give that hope your name and I don't know you that well, but it don't take much to tell either you don't have the balls or you don't feel the same...

I seach your profile for a translation, I study the conversation like a map, 'cause I know there is strength in the differences between us

and I know there is comfort where we overlap..."

Subject: Re: What's up?

To: "Angel"

Sorry if I'm being impersonal, it certainly wasn't my intention. However, I have been working more, I did have mid-terms this week, and I just bought a car on Monday. I think my schedule has been a mite less permitting lately, and unfortunately I've had to cut several activities from my routine. I apologize if I gave you the feeling that I was avoiding/ignoring you. Now that I think about it, I've probably been giving alot of people that same feeling.

On the other hand, today is Thanksgiving. I'm at my folks house, and even though there will be only 15 or 16 people, there seems to be a surplus of work to do in and around the house, in preparation for their arrival. I asked you what you'd be up to today, and I'd still like to know, if thats okay. This is my first Thanksgiving at home in like seven years. This is the first time no one asked me to help cater. Maybe my cooking skills have gone south. Nahh.

Look, we DO need to talk. For real. I mean, I haven't seen you in almost two weeks, the emails don't seem to be too effective, and talking on the phone leaves me feeling as if there's some discussion were avoiding. Do you know what I'm talking about? Maybe what I'm trying to say is, that I feel as if I'm dealing with several different girls, whenever I communicate with with you via different mediums. You follow? One girl through email, another on the phone, and yet another when we talk in person. Then, when your friends are around, well, its another Angel altogether. The reason I've never mentioned this (or maybe I have, and forgot) was because there isn't one of those girls that I don't like. The problem is that I have no idea which one I'm dealing with at any given moment.

I just read that last paragraph and it kinda sounds lame, but it's all truely how I feel, but to a lesser extent than I've expressed. You're the same girl, but with different personality traits. Therefor, I can never tell if and when you are being yourself. It is nice, not knowing what to expect from you, but there is also a significant degree of irritation, occationally, when I feel as if I have to wait until a different personality of yours roles around, so I can talk to them.

Look, I've told you this, that I think about you. I really do. Lately I've been thinking about how you're starting to get closer and closer, and more emotionally involved, I started to think that maybe you were jumping the gun. But it's been almost three months. My grandparents were married three months after they met. Now they, jumped the gun. But its almost impossible to date someone regularly, and see as much of someone as you and I see of eachother, without developing some emotional attachment. You are absolutely on the right page, and you've done nothing that could even remotely be considered jumping the gun. As a matter of fact, its been me who's been lagging. If you can call it lagging.

I'm gonna have to break this down at some point in this email, because I'd hate for it to be percieved as impersonal. I like you. I have since I first met you. But I guess I didnt like you enough, because you eventually questioned it. I'm attracted to you. Very much so, but you've questioned this as well. Then, just as I was getting tired of having the validity of my behavior questioned, I started to question myself. I tell people that I have a girlfriend, I like being with you, and hanging out, traveling, drinking, and just plain shootin the shit. The sex is by comparison, the best I've ever had, and I consider sex to be one of the more important aspects of a relationship, (I'm 22 years old, what do you want?). But after having considered the fact that it has been three months, (which is I think my fourth longest relationship), I had to evaluate my stance on this. I mean, I know why we go out together, and I know that the reason I don't date other girls isn't because I don't know any, but I don't think I'm where a totally involved guy is supposed to be after three months.

Take a look at my past relationships: Luci, at three months, we were head over heels and blah blah blah. Yoshi, whom I ended up dating for a year before I figured out that I would never fall in love with her, was placed in a mental institution. Don't get me wrong, there are many different ways this relationship could turn out, and I know it won't be anything like my last two, but there is something missing from our relationship that I need. A partner. I don't feel as if we're partners. We don't really do anythiing for eachother that isn't of a sexual or monetary nature. I thought you might have noticed this, but when I read your briefcase, it opened my eyes a bit, as to what you feel are my issues. I highly doubt that my problem is Luci, or my inability to get over having been hurt. Her existence, and the relationship I had with her plays no role in our (your's and my) relationship., Our problem is of another nature.

We're not partners. What I mean is that I don't feel that you and I are all that concerned with the other's efforts in life, work, or otherwise. Sometimes in the car, I'll find myself talkiing, and then I realize that you don't give a damn, and would much rather be singing along with one of your cd's. Certainly undertstandable. I've been caught by you on numerous occasions, when I just wasnt paying close enough attention. We take turns talking about stuff that interests ourselves, and not the other. Its not a bad thing. We do it because we like eachother and want so much for the other to take a personal interest in our efforts. This is the instinct in you that wants a partner. We may be good friends and great lovers, but we don't have a partnership, you know? Let me know what you think about this, because I'm dying to hear what you think about all this. I spent a significant amount of time trying to figure out what was wrong, because it's otherwise a perfect thing. So write back, or call, or whatever. I'd like to see you, I just have know idea when I'll have time. Happy Thanksgiving, tell your mom I said hi. Isaac