l Where's a starbucks errand boy when you need one? l

| Tuesday, Aug. 12, 2003 || 3:44 p.m. |

I�ve spent this painful moment avoiding anything that resembles work. I should really have taken the day off after all. My cat was spotted & I hope is still in the same bush he was last night if not cozy & safe back indoors, but I have a feeling as if he is waiting to be caught by me. I talked to her last night online. It�s been months since I have been able to really chat online so we had some catching up to do; A LOT of catching up to do.

I test-drove a [2002] MINI Cooper last night. Ooh [5]-speed, dbl sunroof, power everything & it even comes standard w/ a CD player. Ooh it�s silver w/ a black top & only [17] k miles. I don�t think they will approve me to trade in my car. I think I am upside down in my payments. In fact after [3] of [6] yrs financing loan I am still upside down. Fucking sucks to have shit credit. I need to start up that savethispoorangelwithnotmuchdebitbutstillbadcredit.com site. Okay so that URL was a joke but I am only in collects for [I think] less [3] grand. If anyone wants to send me at least [1] dollar you do it via paypal & my name is ob1angel. Sheesh if I had only [1] dollar from every person that stopped by these past [2] weeks I would be paid off & back in the non-red. My collections report is so sad. My ex really messed me up a few years ago. But then again I should have been so damn nice about accepting the cheating, lying & sponging. Whatever.

If I could even come up w/ a down payment then maybe but there is no possible way of pulling that kind of money out of my arse. They want more than what I owe in collects for a down payment. Who the hell keeps [5] k just lying around? Not this [23] yr. old that is for sure.

I just started working out regularly & now the Doc says I have to stay away from the gym & lifting for at least [2] wks. He said maybe I can do the treadmill or stationary bike after that. But expect [6] wks to be fully healed & free from pain.

Thanks Girl�

the boat scene from Kissing Jessica Stein:

guy: I think I�m in love with you

Jessica: what?

Guy: I think I�m in love with you

Jessica: I�m sorry, what?

Guy: I�ve really enjoyed the time we've spent together in the past two weeks. You�re bright, and pretty and very sensitive and now I think I�m in love with you.

Jessica: are you crazy?

Guy: what do you mean?

Jessica: I mean, are you crazy?

Guy: oh, b/c it's so fast? No, I�ve thought about this and I really feel ready to say it.

Jessica: we have nothing in common. Nothing. You know we don't have one thing in common.

Guy: what do you mean? I�ve never felt this close to another person before.

Jessica: ok that's wrong. We don't click at all. At all.

Guy: oh, but I think we do. We both come from upper middle class families. We both enjoy brown rice. We both like trees.

In what ways do you feel we don't click?

Jessica: in what ways? We don't click in any ways. We don't have chemistry or banter or common interests. You�re a yoga instructor. You�ve got kola tics (?). You don't appreciate the chaos and absurdity of life on this planet and in this city. You don't understand irony or ethnicity or eccentricity or poetry or the simple joy of being a regular at the diner on your block. I love that. You don't drink coffee or alcohol. You don't overeat you don't cry when you are alone. You don't understand sarcasm. You plod through life in a neat colorless caffeine-free, dairy-free conflict-free banal self-possessed way. I�m bold and angry and tortured and tremendous and I notice when someone has changed their hair part or when someone is wearing two very distinctly different shades of black or when someone changes the natural timbre of their voice on the phone. I don't give out empty praise. I�m not complacent or well adjusted. I can't spend fifty minutes breathing and stretching and getting in touch with myself. I can't spend three minutes finishing an article. I check my phone machine nine times every day and I can't sleep at night because I feel that there is so much to do and fix and change in the world and I wonder every day if I am making a difference and if I will ever express the greatness within me or if I will remain forever paralyzed by the muddled madness inside my head. I�ve wept on every birthday I�ve ever had because life is huge and fleeting and I hate certain people in certain shoes and I feel that life is terribly unfair and sometimes beautiful and wonderful and extraordinary but also numbing and horrifying and insurmountable and I hate myself a lot of the time but a lot of the rest of the time I adore myself and I adore my life in this city and in this world that we live in. this huge and wondrous bewildering brilliant horrible world.

In these ways, I feel that we do not click.

Guy: so you don't think it's going to work out right now?