l Talk about lucking out. l

| September 20, 2005 || 11:58 a.m. |

Today's overview~

You're truly tired of accepting others' lame excuses and listening politely while they natter on about themselves. Finally, you've realized that your time is far too valuable to spend making nice, even if it means you need to be alone for a while.

I got the night alone, solo, seule and it was fucking fantastic! I got home from the hospice center, made myself a famous-amos gorilla cheese sandwich that I proceeded to rip to pieces and submerge into a bowl of creamy 'mato soup!! Mmm Mmm goood! That along with a bottle of shiraz and I was one happy greasy little monkey. Albeit the evening passed a little slowly it was just twat the doctor ordered.

My Grandma is my savior. She offered my Mom's friend their spare bedroom and I was also very relieved to hear that the friend [that flew home yesterday] also paid for her to have a hotel room from Wednesday night on. I have no clue how exactly long that is but I am so incredibly relieved. I wonder where she is staying tonight... Hmmph. Probably with me dammit but I guess one night would be okay, I do have a pair of her shoes and the pictures she brought out of my Mom that she had left [intentionally?] at my apartment.

Now let me clarify a little something. I know I mentioned that we went to my Mom's and cleared out her stuff this weekend. That was because her hubby can't cope with seeing all of it, he can't even sleep in their room because it's too difficult. My Mom hasn't let go yet though. She's getting closer but she is still too strong and is holding on as long as she can. She's not talking as much these past couple days so all she does is sleep, I think that's a sign. At least it's part of what they mentioned in the book.

I hope it's soon. I really do. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this numbness. I need for her to be happy and in a better place. I need this because I need to be able to continue to grieve and move emotionally through this experience. I might never fully get over losing my Mom, my best friend but I know that I need to begin to really live again.

Is that so selfish of me? Am I horrible for feeling or saying that?