l this voice cannot be Stifled by your deviant ways So don't forget what I told you Don't come around I got my own hell to raise l

| Monday, Dec. 30, 2002 || 12:20 p.m. |

The end of the year only 24 hours away and I am feeling so compelled to call Milwaukee and plead for him to join me here in California rather than go on this one-year promotional tour. If I could only find a way to pay for him to get out here... I know Rockstar had said he would pay for me to move there... hmm I wonder if he'd do the same to move him here... that is if I could get him to.

I am still waiting to see the whole Webmaster thing materialize, I don't know how much longer I can wait though I have to have a place to live by the 1st of February, that is a place to move into by the first! I want this soo bad to be real & happen but even the money she was sending to Milwaukee, as my x-mas present has not come to. I feel horrible for telling him about it and having it not go through. What else can I do? I can't think of any legitimate way of getting a hold of four thousand dollars to send him. Hell if I could figure that out I wouldn't have as much debit as I do & you could believe that my credit would still be intact vs. the shambles that it has become!

I drove out the Desert yesterday to visit my dad while he is in Cali; there were soo many people at the Ranch. I sat there watching all the children play paint ball and then the infant giggle & play. I can't help but get teary eyed & depressed watching babies knowing that if things had been different I would be nearly 7 months pregnant myself. I have always said that I have no regrets, which is true. I believe that life is too short to regret anything and since you can do nothing about the past then what is the friggin' point? Learn from it & move on... However I can't seem to forget or forgive myself for that one. Not necessarily forgive per say but I can't help but think about what might have been ~ ya know? I think it is the simple fact that this was a product of love vs. my first preg experience when I was 18, which was a product of date rape. I do not judge lest be judged myself, I do not believe in abortion as a method of birth control. I have friends who have had countless abortions but I don't feel that they are mentally nor emotionally ready for children regardless. I am there for them as they have always been there for me when I needed any kind of support. My first abortion was easy - too easy. I don't know how it worked out but I paid$5 dollar co-pay, was knocked out during the procedure, and could have cared less about the "father" of the child. The only thing I missed was my boobs. I loved what the 6wk 6day pregnancy had done to my chest. My pregnancy with Milwaukee was so incredibly different. More painful, more nauseating, more risky (negative blood), & a helluva lot more emotionally traumatizing... Ending it was the hardest day of my life. I kept thinking I should just run away, maybe if I ran from the center Milwaukee would take me back once I returned to Wisconsin. I saw my child there in the sonogram clear as day, lil sea monkey looking thing. My lil Peyton, our lil Peyton.

I'm a dreamer, I think that maybe Milwaukee will fly out and surprise me for New Years, that maybe the hang ups I get at work are him trying to communicate with the boys here scheduling an interview to get him hired... I love to daydream; maybe that is how I stay so happy outwardly all the time. What would I be if I could never dream again? Where? Or better yet who?

Despite all of this melodrama consistently rambling away in my brain, I had an incredible weekend. I went to Crazy water�s house as I previously had mentioned, met a few new peeps, saw a few old ones, got drunk off red wine & passed out in her sisters bed! I awoke sometime in the middle of the night being moved to a pull out bed in the living room� I don�t even remember crashing out in the first place, funny what an entire bottle of red wine can do to a person� lol Well the next day I just lounged with her sister until it was time for me to go home. Now this is where the real fun began! I was really feeling the bitch vibe tonight so I went cleavage out and was just hotter than even I could handle. I love the way being dressed up & done up can bring out the bitchy diva in a gurl! As soon as I get off my lazy ass and upload all the pics I have taken I will post them here, as I have been promising! Lol

I gave off attitude and no one could top me! I had all eyes on me, the boys were just buying me drinks left and right, I ended up going home with more numbers & cash then I started out with! (Now the numbers were from girls! One was from a gay boy) I ran into a girl that went to Marina H.S and graduated with me. We never knew each other in school but I had run into her about a year ago at a club in Long Beach. I was surprised to see the girls she was with (whom I knew in H.S) were bi or gay� Well she is a lil cutie and lives around here so we just might start hanging out� the bartender was gorgeous as usual but I didn�t give him much attention, it was busy and I didn�t want to fawn over something I couldn�t have� at least until the end of the night when I drunkenly asked him what I could do to take him home! He just said that he needed to break up with his girlfriend. Boo-Hoo-Hoo! Did that mean he was going to? ;)

So was that the end of me making an ass out of myself? Not that night apparently! As soon as I got home I say Mush online and sent him a pathetic booty-callish im. Thank god he was not at his computer! I just hope that he didn�t read it at all! I guess I will find out when I go to his masquerade party� really looking forward to that embarrassment!

I think that is enough for today, I am sick again due to the fucking weather not being able to make up it�s mind� I hate allergies � this one had turned ugly! I better feel better for tomorrow!

What should I do for the masquerade party? Should I dress up? Any ideas? Tag me�